I stare blankly out the window in hopes of a clear sign from you, as if the clouds are going float by spelling out “hi” or “I love you” in the otherwise clear blue sky.

For years I’ve searched frantically for a message from you, something that will show you’re still here with me. For years I was upset that you hadn’t appeared in my dreams often enough or spoke to me through the gusty wind, as if you were able to control any of that. I guess it was my younger self dreaming one day you’d come down and say hi, say that you are so proud of me that magically you came down from heaven just for me.For years I didn’t realize that really, the signs of your presence are all around me.You’re in the smiles and joyous laughter of our family. You’re the stars that light up my path at night. You’re the stranger who kindly smiled at me in the store. You’re the chirping birds that wake me up every morning. You’re in those who give me life advice and end by saying “you’re doing great, I’m proud of you”. You’re the sudden sense of comfort I feel when I’m overwhelmed. You’re the butterfly that fluttered around me, keeping me safe on my lone hike. You’re the warm hello’s I get from strangers.

I see you in the smile of my youngest sister who wasn’t able to meet you. And after my depressive episode, when I finally got up and drove to work, our song was the first to play amongst the 252 song playlist I had shuffled. That was you too. The pink cloud circled above our house, I’m sure that was you reassuring us you were still watching over the family.

Your pretense is everywhere, I just have to look.

Dad, I’m sorry I was upset that you hadn’t gave me the answers I wanted, when in reality you gave me that and more. Even in heaven you guide me through life.