I love being alone.

I don’t mean in the sense that I don’t enjoy people’s company, but more so that I’ve found the most comfort and satisfaction with my own company. You see, as someone with social anxiety you constantly feel as if you are walking on eggshells. You fear what other people think of you and whether you said the right thing. Whether it was talking to my mother or my best friends, I felt like my every breath was being critiqued. So, I began avoiding others. I stayed locked away in my room, blinds closed so it was pitch black and cold. Ironically, I still experienced anxiety, and because I was in the quiet and empty corner of my room, I realized all the voices in my head were me. I was judging me.
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Afraid to reach out to people after months of isolation, I began doing things alone. Things I enjoyed. Going on walks, grocery shopping, reading at the beach, riding a long board (terribly) through the street, painting in parking lots. Slowly, the voices began to silence. And through the silence, I was able to heal. The silence gave my logical thinking a voice, it gave the positive thoughts space to flow through, and it gave my self-love a place to grow.

I’m able to see my friends now. And I’ve found comfort in talking to my mom. However, nothing brings me peace like doing things alone. I have the rest of my life to be surrounded by people. To work in a full office from 9-5, to have a husband, and make memories with children. But for now, I believe it is important to take time by myself. To be alone. To find myself. To give myself room to both feel and heal. To focus on only me. And to love myself unconditionally.