Honestly I’m even sure where to begin but I know that helping people is my goal with this letter…  Ten years ago my oldest brother passed away, suddenly. I remember that day vividly, one of my girl friends and I grabbed a Starbucks and went shopping. It was just a normal day, and that was the very last time life ever felt ‘normal’. My phone rang late that chilly Sunday afternoon and the news was so unimaginable that I sat frozen on the bedroom floor. “He’s gone”. Gone? How could he be gone, I just saw Facebook pics from their Halloween party last night. Gone? I couldn’t comprehend that he actually died. You’re probably thinking reading this that it was a car accident or a suicide since I mentioned it was sudden. No. Complications from his MS, he went into a coma that day and never woke up. My sister in law and mom found him. They thought he was sleeping, but he was gone. Paramedics did what they could, it was too late. Gone.  

Now I’m not going to try and define the different levels of grief, but losing someone suddenly is indescribable. I brought this up with my therapist, she told me that when we lose someone to old age or a lengthy illness we actually begin to grieve them as they’re still alive. It helps us prepare our heart and minds that they might not be here much longer. But when someone dies suddenly it can actually send someone into shock. That was me, I was in shock. I think I stayed in shock for over a year.

At first anyone and everyone is doing and saying all the right things. The people in our lives rally and make sure we know we’re being thought of and loved and just how sorry they are. But then the quiet comes. This was my first lesson on what true grief feels like. Because after the funeral, everyone’s life goes back to normal for them. I couldn’t understand how my life was supposed to go back to routine knowing my brother wasn’t alive anymore. I felt stuck. When the constant check ins and messages and DMs slowed down the quiet was almost unbearable.

So I started reading therapy books, and googling till wee hours of the morning because I wasn’t sleeping let’s be honest. And I realized that how I felt and everything I was reading made me learn grief isn’t linear. You know all you hear about are the stages of grief. Yes, there are stages but they don’t go in any kind of order. You don’t start in denial and end with acceptance. And for no set amount of time either. I hope you know that if you spend 6 months in denial and 3 days in anger only to end up back in denial. That’s okay!! I find most of the people who tried to give me advice were people who’ve never grieved a person in their life. Don’t let anyone tell you how to feel. There’s no right answer here. Ten years in and I’m still navigating grief. It’s a part of me. I chose to say I moved forward. Instead of I’ve moved on. People who have suffered deep loss don’t like the phrase moving on, because it’s as if we’re leaving them behind.

After the shock wore off, I started to get deeply anxious. Now, I’ve always been an anxious person but this definitely exposed my mental illness. At work I started eating lunch at my desk because going to the lunch room stressed me out. For anyone who knows me, I love to laugh and joke with my coworkers. It makes the work days go by and less of a grind. But I didn’t want to socialize anymore, to the point where it made me feel sick. I was cancelling plans with friends to grab a drink or dinner because I felt like I’d be trapped. This is when I realized I needed to do something because not wanting to see people I care about and not wanting to hit up a restaurant was not me. I spoke to my doctor and I started taking anxiety medication.

I can honestly say that treating my anxiety has been a game changer. The truth is when I started confiding in people about how bad my anxiety had gotten I found out so many others were in the same boat. Sure, how each of us got to that point is our own  unique journey. But knowing I’m not alone was so comforting. I just want to help people  and I always tell others I’m an open book. Because if talking about my anxiety makes even one person feel seen I would feel like I’ve made a difference. The same goes for talking about my brother. People can behave strangely around the topic of death but the truth is if I get to talk about him it keeps him alive in my heart.

Felt really good to share this. I do have more to share and maybe I’ll share again in the near future.

All my best,