Where do I even start and how do I keep this long story short.. hm..

Okay, so I've been in a constant battle with my mental health since I was 12, that was the first time i tried unaliving myself and got sent into a mental hospital, nobody there helped, they just fed me with all sorts of medicine that made me feel like a complete zombie for 2-3 weeks.

Once I got out, I got into therapy and went through 6 different psychologists, because 5 of them just saw me as some kid that's seeking for attention. The years between 12-19 were the worst ever. During that time I tried to unalive myself 7 times. Everytime anyone said the phrase "life does get better' it just angered me, I didn't ever wanna hear those words come from anyone's mouth again.

But I did, again and again and again until i started to believe them. I got into a relationship with a girl in 2024 april, I thought she saved me, for a year everything was amazing, I thought she was the love of my life, I promised to marry her with a promise ring, until something changed.

I never ever thought I was gonna be that kind of person that can just "lose feelings" but when I spent 1-2 months being blamed for anything I do and trying to fix everything that happened between us by myself, slowly all the feelings faded, until there was nothing left. I knew I had to get out of this relationship, when I tried breaking up with her she kept manipulating me into not doing that, because "you wouldn't survive without me, I fixed you, you're not gonna know who you are without me, you're just having another one of your bpd episodes, if you leave i'm gonna unalive myself". And then the only thought i had was "if I stay in this relationship it's gonna slowly kill me, but if I broke up with her, i couldn't live" and that was the last time that I tried unaliving myself. before doing it i broke up with her. Got driven to the hospital because of an overdose, spent the whole month of july 2025 being only in bed, not eating, not sleeping and not taking care of myself. I was in and out of the ER and there was this moment at the end of july, I realized "either you get your sh*t together or you're gonna slowly unalive yourself".

This was the only thought that kept pushing me to get better, I got into therapy again, started taking my meds, met the most amazing people who helped me with everything, reconected with people in my family and just really started taking care of myself like ive never had. now writing this in november, I am THE happiest I have ever been in these 19 years of my life. Life isn't scary anymore, i'm motivated everyday, I love waking up and looking forward to another day, I just finally and truly enjoy my life and I finally and truly love myself. So yes. It DOES get better.

I believe in every single one of you.