Today part of my past crept back in - in a way I felt deep down I had been waiting for this to happen, but also was completely ill prepared for how I would feel. 10 years ago I married the man I thought was my forever. It wasn’t a whirlwind relationship, and it was real. However quickly into our marriage- instead of the honeymoon phase, I was faced with a nightmare. Mental health took over my husband, and alcohol became his new bride. In sickness and in health I repeatedly told myself as I locked myself into the bathroom to shower, with all of our sharp objects hidden away. I never foresaw myself in a failed marriage-  I wanted him to get better, for him for us for me. Within 6 months I finally shared with my family and friends after they started to notice unsafe behavior and stepped in to remind me this is not my fight. I sought therapy and realized I had done everything I could to save him, and he himself was the only person who could make that decision. I filed for divorce and began picking up the pieces to the crumbled life in front of me.  

A few years later the meaning to the madness walked into my life on the most awkward blind triple date. We married and began our happily ever after. After years of infertility struggles, miscarriages, failed IVF, and more loss, we finally were able to conceive our daughter, and 2 years later our son.  

Today my ex husband passed away. He was 42 and continued to struggle for the past 10 years with his demons. I know I made the best choice for myself and my future but I still look back and think could I have done anything more?  I also realized today the impact and weight that relationship had on me. I pray for his family and friends and hope he is in peace now, however I go to bed each night lighter, weight lifted off of my shoulders- still setting my security alarm but a lot less fear.  I often questioned how I continued to find the strength through all of this darkness. And I realized- this plan was made for me. The hurdles, the struggles, the pain all prepared me for different phases to make me stronger, happier, more appreciative, understanding, and empathic.

Therapy has continued to guide me and help me to focus on the woman my experiences have built. I am insanely proud and continue to share my story as openly as possible because its books like this that bring courage, community, and hope to someone else.  

I have my angels that helped me through each stage and I hope I too can continue to bring that for someone else.