Called my wedding off 3 weeks before my wedding, 3 months ago. Everything was paid for. And not one deposit was given back. But I just couldn’t go through with it. I felt the intuition in my bones. All the red flags I ignored in the beginning, is what ultimately caused the ending. The easier thing to have done would have been to go through with the wedding, because everything was done and paid for. And even though I shouldn’t be embarrassed, I was. I cringed at having to explain to people what happened. It was such a huge inconvenience to everyone. But I couldn’t do it. I’ll make the money back. What I won’t get back? Time and happiness.  

Everyone has told me what great strength it took for me to make a call like that. It doesn’t seem that big of a deal. Most of my life I have had to make difficult decisions. A typical Monday morning. But this decision will shape my future and me as a whole. After being in therapy 2x a week, exercising again and taking some time to myself; it is a pretty bad ass thing to do.  

Early 2020, I was diagnosed with anxiety disorder and depression. It took years to rewire my brain and body: diet, working out, healthy habits, listening to my body, therapy, company I had in my life, not putting so much pressure on myself, not pushing through.  About 4 months ago, I could feel my body responding to the stress. So I listened to my body. Finally I listened, I didn’t ignore it. By not listening, and pushing through I could potentially lead to more anxiety and depression. By listening, and stopping the problems, this helped me navigate through this nightmare. And that’s what it was, a nightmare. No sugarcoating it.   I have taking the last 4 months to befriend myself again. Figure out what I want. For the first time in a long time. For some odd reason I lost myself, and was putting others before me. Right now; I am being selflessly selfish.   Advice? Don’t ignore what your body is feeling. Listen. Your body is communicating with you and you’re feeling intuition for a reason.   Starting over at 30 is scary, unpredictable, but also exciting and a restart button. For now it’s just me, my little dog and my white dress.  

This September. Turning 31. I am choosing me.  

Me and white dress will have our moment together someday.